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We want that you criticize our jokes! Please, criticize our jokes, because we need space for new ones.G O L F J O K E S
Golf Joke: Beer, Fishing, Golf... A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?""No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied d the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and affairs with women." Golf Joke: She's leaving me... "My Wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf.""What are you going to do?" "I'll miss her." Golf Joke: I can hear just fine! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?""No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." Two golfers were out playing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. While he was looking for it, his playing partner heard a loud scream! He rushed into the woods to check on his buddy and found him lying on the ground holding onto his butt. "What happened", his buddy asked?'' "I got bit on the butt by a rattle snake. I need you to go back to the clubhouse and get a doctor!" The friend hurried off on his cart to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he found the only doctor there was in the process of delivery a baby. "Doctor, doctor, my friend was looking for his golf ball in the woods and he got bit by a rattle snake! What can I do to save him?" "You will have to take this scalpel, cut open the skin at the bite, and suck all the poison out!" The friend jumped back on the cart, sped back to the woods, and skidded to a halt where his friend lay. "Where's the doctor?" "He's delivering a baby!" "What did he say?" "He said you were going to die!!!" Travis is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golf's all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?" A young fella walked into the clubhouse looking for a game. The golf-pro said, "There's a young lady about to play the first tee, why not join up with her." The young fella asked this beautiful young lady if he could join her. She replied, "Of course." They were having a great time together. When they walked on the 18th green the young lady had a 20 foot putt for a birdie and the young fella had a 25 foot putt for a birdie. As the young fella was about to putt; he looked up at the young lady and said, "You know I've had a great time today. And you know, if I make this 25 foot putt for my birdie I'll take you out to the finest restaurant in town and then we'll go dancing." He putted his 25-footer and 'plunk', right in the cup for his bird. The young lady walked up to her 20 foot birdie putt, stopped and said to the young fella, "You know if I make this 20 foot putt for bird; after we dine and dance, we'll go to my place, have a couple of drinks and celebrate our great day in the proper way." As she went to putt; the young fella called out, "Hold it! That's a 'gimme' pick it up!" Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball asked his friend: "Do you mind if I have a drop, I can't play from here, it's too rough." "No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!" "But I'm going to destroy the club, it's all rocks and gravel," he said. "Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie." The poor guy stops arguing and takes his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup. "My God, what a shot! --- Which club did you use?" "Your five iron..." A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counsellor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counsellor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday." "Well" replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days." A boss happened by the local golf course and saw one of his absentee employees about to drive his ball off the first tee. "How are you doing Don?" he said to the embarrassed worker. The then turned to the other man who was playing with him and said, "And you must be Don's grandmother. Tell me, are you feeling better?" The forty-something business executive (and avid golfer) was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did. The ad read as follows--- slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship. GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY. A golfer hit his ball into a ravine. His buddies heard 'whack, whack, whack' on and on, until finally he got the ball out. His buddy asked, "How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?" He said, "two", but his buddy said, "I heard eight." His reply was, "Six of them were echoes." Golf Joke: Wife had passed away... A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. " So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"An American goes over to Scotland for the first time to play golf. He gets teamed up with a group of other Scots. He tees it up at the first hole at Troon and proceeds to knock it straight out of bounds. He immediately reaches into his pocket and pulls out another ball. He turns to one of his partners and asks, "Hey what do you guys call mulligans over here?" The Scotsman replies, "3". Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" Golf Joke: Top Ten Signs You're Golfing Too Much When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter.The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME. You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job. You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver. You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left. You'd like to take off your glove but hey, why bother? Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line. You're vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife. You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through. Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime. My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?" "Certainly not, dear" she replied. "Well, neither would he." A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havan' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" - "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old Single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" - "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!" Jesus, Moses and an old guy are playing golf. Jesus goes first at the first tee but slices his shot into the lake. Untroubled, he calmly walks onto the water and plays his second shot onto the green. Moses takes his first shot, slicing it into the lake. He walks over, stands in front of the lake, parts the water and continues his game with a shot onto the green. Finally it's the old guy's turn. He slices his shot towards the lake but as it hits the water, a salmon leaps into the air and catches the ball. Before the salmon falls back down, an eagle swoops down and clutches the salmon. The eagle flies over the green, drops the salmon and, as the salmon hits the green, the ball falls from its mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus, seeing this hole in one, turns to the old guy and says: "For goodness sake, Dad! Play the game properly, will you?" It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!" Golf Joke: On the sixteenth hole After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?""Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and
responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip
and lower my right thumb."
Golf Joke: An old married couple An old married couple is playing a round of golf. On the 13 th putting green the woman has a 50 footer putt for eagle.She: "If I would putt it in one stroke, I would die." He: "Darling, I give you that putt."
Q: What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? A: Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron! Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years!
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough." He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!" N O - G O L F J O K E S
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back". "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper ... Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A lady with blonde hair came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!" Now open the picture by clicking on the GO icon... 
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." A Fairy told a married couple (both around sixty): "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic; but, an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed; but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and... abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be bastards BUT FAIRIES ARE... FEMALE! A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." Joke: Through Little Boy's Eyes A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes. One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the inappropriate behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So while he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them - give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either. When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. "We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." During a business trip to China, I was browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member timidly approached me. "Excuse me," she said. "Are you American?" "Yes, I am," I answered. "What state are you from?" she asked. "Texas," I replied proudly. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, obviously disappointed. "I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English." Three very elderly sisters lived together. One night the 96 year old was starting to take a bath, she call down to Millie, the 94 year old: "I can't remember if I'm getting in the tub or out of the tub?" Millie started up the stairs and when she reached the middle she called to Anna the 92 year old: "Was I going up or down the stairs?" At that time Anna was sitting at the kitchen table, a bit annoyed, she knocked on the table and said: "I hope I never get as bad as those two!" The sister in the tub called down to Anna: "Can you come up here and help me?" Anna replied: "Wait a minute, I have to answer the door!" A boy and his father, from West Virginia, were visiting the big city for the very first time. They visited a mall and were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, a little old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. The continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls suddenly opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your Mother!" Once upon a time in a secluded farm region, a shephard was tending his flock. Suddenly, behind a huge cloud of dust, a brand-new Jeep-Cherokee appeared and stopped next to the shephard in the field. The driver of the Jeep, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, with Cerutti shoes, Rayban sunglasses and a YSL tie steped out and asked the shephard: "If I can guess how many sheep are in your herd, will you then give me one?" The shephard looked at the young man, then at his flock of grazing sheep and said calmly: "Alright!" The young man parked his Jeep, connected his notebook with the celluar phone, hooked up with the Internet on the NASA site, then scanned the region with help of his GPS satellite navigation system, opened a data base with 60 EXCEL spread sheeds with unending formulas. Finally, a 150 page bulletin was printed out by his high-tech mini-printer and then the young man turned to the shephard and said: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!" The shephard replied: "That is correct, pick out the one sheep that you wish." The young man took one animal and put it into his Jeep. The shephard watched and said: "If I guess your occupation, will you return it to me?" The young man answered: "Of course, why not?" The shephard stated: "You are a management consultant!" "That is correct - how do you know?" asked the young man. Very easy," replied the shephard. "First of all, you come here even though nobody asked for you to come. Second, you wish payment in form of a sheep for information I already know and finally, you have no knowledge of what I am doing because you selected my dog!" F U N N Y S T U F F
THIS IS BIZARRE: Left brain, right brain. This is soooo stupid but true... and it's going to drive you crazy! While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it. If you discover the man's head in 3 seconds or less, your mind is faster than the average person. If you find the man's skull in up to 1 minute, your mind is working on average level. If you discover the head of the man between 1 and 3 minutes, your reaction is a little bit slow and you should eat a lot more protein. If you see the man's head in more than 3 minutes, your reaction is dramatically slow and you should do brain jogging regularly. It's true: There really is a man's skull in this picture!!! 
Ugly? Everone was pretty as a kid! Move picture up side down. Or move MOUSE over picture. You'll be surprised. Horse or Frog?
You have to buy exactly 100 animals, from each species minimum 1. You have to spend exacly 100 Dollars. Mice cost 0.50 USD, hamster 3 USD and rabbits 10 USD. How many animals from each species you have to buy? If you can't find the solution - send me an email. 
Juergen@Peters.net
Do you know what the word FAMILY means? FATHER AND MOTHER I LOVE YOU Frank Mc Ghee Did you ever doubt that David the magician isn't the Greatest? Please start here a tour by watching a couple of pictures by clicking on the GO icon... 
I tried this a couple of times, to reconfirm.. man o man... freaky! Follow these instructions:
Do you belong to 2% of human kind who are able to solve the following problem in about 30 minutes - or do you belong to the 98% who will give up? NOTE: There are no tricks - you only need logic. Here is the exercise: 1. There are five houses - each in a different color. 2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. 3. Each person likes a specific drink, smokes a specific cigarette and owns a specific animal. 4. None of the five persons drink the same drink, smoke the same cigarette, or like the same animal as one of his four neighbors. Question: Who is the owner of the fish? Here are some important hints: The British lives in the red house. The Swede is owner of a dog. The man from Denmark drinks tea. The green house is located on the left side of the white house. The owner of the green house drinks coffee The PALL MALL smoker owns a bird. The man who likes milk is living in the middle house. The owner of the yellow house smokes DUNHILL. The Norwegian lives in the first house. The MARLBORO smoker lives next door to the owner of a cat. The owner of a horse lives next door to the DUNHILL smoker. The WINFIELD smoker likes beer. The Norwegian lives next door to the owner of blue house. The German smokes ROTHMANNS. The MARLBORO smoker lives next door to a neighbor who drinks water. Albert Einstein invented this puzzle and affirmed that 98% of the people are not able to find the correct solution. Now good luck - and don't give up! If you solve the problem in less than 30 minutes please send me an email - all others too :-))
Juergen@Peters.net
Correction: It is not true, that Einstein did invent this puzzle! Barbara Wolff Assistant to the Curator Albert Einstein Archives Jewish National and University Library P.O.B. 34165 Jerusalem 91341 Israel Witchcraft: I know your age and more... It takes less than a minute... Work this out as you read. Don't cheat and read the bottom until you've worked through it! This is fun!- First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out (try for more than once but less than 10). - Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold). - Add 5 (Just because). - Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the calculator). - If you have already had your birthday this year add 1750... If you haven't, add 1749... - Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. - Finally add the difference of todays current year and the year 2000 (Sample: 2010 minus 2000 = add 10). You should have a three digit number. - The first digit of this was your original number (How many times you want to eat out each week - remember?). - The next two numbers are... YOUR AGE !!! OH YES, IT IS !!! |
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02/2006
